I was right, I weigh more today than I ever have in the past. Eek! I'm not yet comfortable sharing my exact weight on this blog, but let's just leave it at the fact that I want to lose 78 pounds (50 in 2012.) I'll be tracking my weight on SparkPeople, and maybe after I've lost some I'll admit my weight on this blog. ;)
The weather outside is terrible and has been this whole weekend, which bums me out since I have a 4-day weekend (on day 3, sadly. I almost miss unemployment.) There's a wind advisory right now and it's snowing, so I'll be spending my day indoors, most likely.
Started the year off with a delicious breakfast - a mini omelette. I've never actually made one before; I just saw the spinach in my fridge and thought I should incorporate it into my breakfast somehow. Just made with one egg, a bunch of baby spinach that i wilted in a spritz of olive oil, and 10g of romano cheese. The toast I served it with is my favorite thing -- 7-grain sprouted bread from Trader Joe's with half a tablespoon of whipped Earth Balance (a vegan butter substitute, trans-fat free.) The bread has to be kept refrigerated or, if you're like me and can't burn through a loaf quickly enough, in the freezer. I keep fearing that I'm going to sound like a spokesperson for different companies on this blog, but I promise I'm not compensated :) The bread's ingredients: Sprouted wheat grains, oats, rye, barley, corn, rice, millet, wheat flour, water, honey, vital wheat gluten, yeast, molasses, salt. 5 grams of protein per slice, 60 calories per slice. My mom got a breadmaker over the holidays and I'd love to steal it a couple times to make my own bread, but this stuff is great and it's at least healthier than the HFCS-loaded "wheat' breads I find with other brands. Alongside a couple mugs of black coffee (this is not a habit I plan to change anytime soon - sorry, caffeine nay-sayers!) this is a yummy breakfast. 286 calories, 20g protein, 16g fat, 15g carbs.
Don't worry, I won't be posting every boring thing I eat, but I felt like I should blog on day one.
I took a picture of my profile this morning and cringed. Even dressed in all black, this is not what a 25-year-old's body should look like - not when it is capable of being way healthier. I should mention right off the bat that I do absolutely believe in the "fat acceptance" movement, but I know that with my body, in particular, when it is healthy, it does not look like this. If I felt healthy, and was eating right, and exercising, and I still looked like this? I could live with it. But I know that at its healthiest, my body does not look anything like this.
I've lost weight successfully only twice in the past. Once when I was a junior in high school and "joined" Weight Watchers (meaning, I loosely followed the points system that my mom was using, and borrowed her materials). I lost about 30 pounds then and was almost to a healthy weight. I was also a member of a gym, which I can't afford anymore, sadly. And once in early 2010 when I joined SparkPeople for the first time and lost over 20 pounds. In early 2010 I weighed 40 pounds less than I do now - which means that I've managed to put on 40 pounds in just a year and a half. That is amazing (in a bad way) to me. That's not how someone's body is supposed to work. My sedentary and very stressful job contributed to this - but moreso, the bad choices I made. The job made me so anxious that I found solace in booze and food. That's why I think I really need to make this big change - so much of this is not going to be about my weight but more about how I handle stress. THAT is what needs to change. Because when I avoid alcohol, I eat right. When I exercise, I am less anxious.
2012 is about doing the harder thing - working out, doing yoga, taking a bath, allowing myself to feel pain rather than trying to numb it. It is about avoidance of the easy thing - grabbing a six-pack of beer and eating flavored pretzels until I feel like I'm going to explode and trying to numb my feelings so I don't have to deal with them anymore. That is just not the way to deal with life. It hasn't been working for me, so why would I keep doing it? It doesn't make anything go away in the end, it just makes me unhealthy and unhappy.
I have the knowledge, the power, and the ability to change my life. I know I do. I'm the only one who does.