Sunday, September 16, 2012

September 16th

I’ve been dreading writing this entry since yesterday morning. Because I knew it meant confessing once again that I screwed up. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today about it.

I was doing fantastically this month. I worked out 12 consecutive days, and was at my lowest weight at the beginning of the week.

My exercise goal was 250 minutes and I only made it to about 190 because I just stopped. I sort of had a bit of a breakdown on Thursday night and I’m not sure exactly why. There are some external factors, a little bit of drama in my friends circle, but nothing that should have thrown me off like that.  Some of this stuff is too personal to go into on a public blog but I was in a pretty shitty place.

I had three entire bad days.

The scale rewarded me for it, too. I gained an entire six pounds. Six. In three days. I’m sure some of this is water weight. I know I can lose it again.

The amount of guilt and horribleness I felt yesterday is unparalleled to any other slip up I’ve had since I started this back in January. I can’t even describe how angry I was at myself. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so deeply ashamed over this.  I have not felt that bad in a LONG time. I was catastrophizing everything.

So today… I got a good night’s sleep for the first time in several days and I had a blueberry breakfast smoothie and I left. I drove to Devil’s Lake by myself and did a short hike. I needed some fresh air and perspective. Devil’s Lake is a really important place to me. I’ve had the best conversations of my life there. I even had my first kiss there, 12 years ago. I had the best day of my life there. And every time I’m there I feel a lot more peaceful.

I did a lot of thinking about weight loss and happiness and friends today. I reached a few conclusions. Weight loss isn’t hard. It just takes dedication and commitment. A lot of both of those things, really. I started thinking about how badly I want this. Because I do think that I, as an able-bodied person without injuries or major health issues, am very able to lose weight and be healthy. VERY able. But it all comes down to values. Every time that I screw up, or I decide not to work out because I have a headache or I’m tired or I decide something else is more important, that’s a choice. There are no external factors here. This is all me.  When I choose to eat something shitty or to not work out, I am deciding, at that moment, that I want that food or that extra time more than I want to lose weight.

I’m so done with victimization. I’m so, so, so sick of it. From myself, from other people.  I am done with it. I did a lot of blaming of other people the past few days, people from my past that I felt screwed me up, that I partially blamed for my weight, and it’s so clear to me that this has nothing to do with them. This is ALL about choices I’ve made. All of it. I’m sick of blaming a lack of time or fatigue or illness on choosing not to work out. I choose to make time or not make time. I choose to stick to my schedule regardless of other factors or not stick to my schedule because “something came up.” I’m sick of excuses. I am out of patience for them. I just need to DO IT. I am capable of putting in the effort; I’ve proven that to myself before. Many times, really. I’ve consistently, albeit very slowly, been losing weight for 9 months. I can do it.

Here’s my menu plan and exercise plan for the week.

Garlic chicken with broccoli
Hike @ Devil's Lake - 60 minutes

Light baked potato soup and salad
Cardio Kickbox, 25 minutes

Feta basil turkey burgers and green beans
Frontside, 43 mins

Backside, 53 minutes

Brown rice and beans
Cardio Blast, 35 minutes

Rest Day

Decide next week
Step aerobics, 63 minutes

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