September 29th

I've had so much going on this week, and I'm going to update tonight instead of tomorrow because I have a ton to do tomorrow!

I had a good week. No real screw-ups. 296 fitness minutes, and… I crossed 1,000 minutes for the month! That was my initial goal and I didn't think I'd make it, but after this week I'm up to 1,009 (and am planning on doing a 63-minute step aerobics workout tomorrow so I'll be at 1072 for the month.) 

I had trouble tracking because I get frustrated when I don't know the nutritional information for what I'm eating, but I think I did a pretty good job tracking. I mentioned in my last entry that I was having a cookout at my dad's, a birthday dinner out at a restaurant, and a fish fry at my grandma's, all in the same week - AND that I was thinking of having a small birthday party.They all went pretty well. At the cookout, I did bring my turkey burger, but I ended up leaving it with my dad because he ended up grilling chicken and vegetables, so that worked out nicely. There actually wasn't any red meat at all - he made salmon for my sister and mom, and chicken for me.  At my birthday dinner, I had a vegan tofu stew that was really delicious. It was probably pretty caloric because I'm pretty sure the broth had coconut milk in it, but it wasn't a gigantic serving and I still felt like it was a somewhat healthy choice. The next day was the fish fry, and I definitely went overboard - had a ton of salad, as planned, but probably had too much fish. But I did track as best as I could and only went a little bit over my calories that day. Last night I did have a little gathering, but my friend and I ate dinner beforehand (leftover salad from the fish fry) and I didn't drink anything. So that was nice.  At any rate, I felt good this week and I've lost all that weight I gained sooo I count it all as a win. 

Today I hiked for a little over an hour at Devil's Lake which is always nice., and despite being exhausted this week, managed to make it to the grocery store, too. Tonight I made a really fantastic recipe for Thai-style Stir-fried chicken - it's about as easy as you can get and I've been making it occasionally for years now. I always forget how much I like it. I think it was one of the first things I learned how to make, and was the first time I used curry paste. The recipe is here. There's enough sauce to add extra vegetables, too. Here's the rest of my menu/exercise plan for the week. 

Anyway, as mentioned, I'm really tied up this weekend so I'm off! 

SUNDAY

Spinach Lasagna

Step aerobics

MONDAY

Leftovers

Cardio Kickbox

TUESDAY

Thai chicken salad wraps

Frontside, 43 minutes

WEDNESDAY

Leftovers

Backside, 53 minutes

THURSDAY

Fettuccine and tofu with peanut sauce and broccoli

Spark Cardio Blast

FRIDAY

Leftovers

Rest Day

SATURDAY

Decide next week

Walk/run

September 23rd

I had an odd week! In regard to food and exercise it was ridiculously bad. Oh man. My heart was SO not in it this week. I mentioned in my last entry that I'd gained six pounds - well, in the first half of the week I dropped 5, and then I went right back up and gained 6 back. Kind of ridiculous. I was trying really hard to not let myself slip but I could not get rid of my all-or-nothing thinking. Basically, I knew I was having a little get-together and I'd given myself permission to drink and to eat total shit, and I did. But knowing that I had that permission -- I started slacking off on Wednesday. My goal was to have ONE bad night - Friday - and just be good the rest of the week. Well, I didn't. I did well through Tuesday and then stopped. I only got 120 fitness minutes in. So I know I'm not going to reach the 1,000 minutes I'd wanted for September, but I have full faith I can do it in October!

I'm gonna get a little more personal in this entry than I usually do, and I have mixed feelings about that, because I try to be somewhat of a sort of private person online, but whatever. I've been thinking a lot about an old friend of mine that shared the same birthday as me, one year apart - she would've been 27 this Wednesday, but she passed away when I was 16. It used to make my birthdays kind of terrible, but I've sort of made peace with it now. I think about her a lot because she was a wonderful, brave, adventurous girl. The odd thing about our friendship was that it only lasted four months. She came into my life quickly and left quickly. But those four months were fantastic, and we became really close really quickly. I spent every day with her, and I was going through a tough time, and she really helped me out. She was the first person close to me that I lost to death. But mental health issues are scary things. It baffled me that somebody who appeared to love life and was so adventurous would choose to leave it so soon. I think about her frequently even though it's been ten years since I've seen her. 

Anyway, the reason I'm mentioning all of this is that I have always strived to be more like her, because I've never been very adventurous. I'm timid and shy and introverted, and I didn't used to be quite this bad with it. I still feel like I am not quite living my life. I spent my entire day yesterday IN BED because I was so hungover (I honestly didn't feel like I'd had all that much to drink, but I must've!) and I wasted what may have been a lovely Saturday. I waste so many days just pissing around and not doing what I should be doing. I want to get out there and DO SOMETHING. I'm only 25 and I should be having fun. My friend was one of those people that I always, always had fun with, that always had an idea, always wanted to go out, and lived her life to the fullest. She would be sad to see the fat, lazy person that I've become. So Zee, this is for you!

So I think I'm done with the alcohol thing. Just kind of done. I had fun on Friday and got to have a long chat with a coworker that I don't see much anymore and it was really nice. I'm having another little gathering this weekend, but I've already decided to not drink or eat garbage. I think my friends may be a little thrown off by that since we're celebrating my birthday, but I feel like I had my one big cheat day for September and I'm done. Also, I'm probably not supposed to drink on the medication I'm on. And one person who will be here can't drink, so I'll keep him company.

So, today is the first day of real birthday week and I'm going to make it a good one. I was going to have my actual birthday (Wednesday) be my first real "start day" but I'd rather just get back on track today because I am so anxious when I'm not on track. It's going to be sort of a tricky week because I have a lot of familial obligation stuff going on. Tonight I'm going to a cookout at my dad's, and I have no idea what he's making. I have leftover feta-basil-turkey burgers that I froze so I'm going to bring one. I also am supposed to go out for a birthday dinner at some point. I think I am going to have us go to The Weary Traveler as they have a lot of good vegetarian options and salad. AND, on Thursday my grandma is having a fish fry, which she does each year before she goes to Florida for the winter. So it'll be a challenging first week, but I can do it. Last fish fry I packed a delicious salad and then I just had a couple small pieces of fish as sort of garnish on it, and it worked out nicely. 

SUNDAY

Cookout at Dad's - turkey burger

Step aerobics, 63 minutes

MONDAY

Zesty garlic chicken wraps

Cardio kickbox, 25 mins

TUESDAY

Vegetarian pot pies

Frontside, 43 minutes

WEDNESDAY

Out to dinner

Backside, 53 minutes

THURSDAY

Fish fry - make a salad

Cardio Blast, 35 minutes

FRIDAY

Rice and beans (I keep intending to make this EVERY WEEK but then something throws me off!)

Rest day

SATURDAY

Decide next week

Walk/run/hike, depending on the weather, not sure how long…?

Goals I'd like to focus on for this "birthday challenge";

- water consumption - 64 oz/day - I was doing great with this for a while!

- 250 fitness minutes/wk

- Stay within calorie range 6/7 days of the week

- No alcohol 

September 16th

I’ve been dreading writing this entry since yesterday morning. Because I knew it meant confessing once again that I screwed up. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today about it.

I was doing fantastically this month. I worked out 12 consecutive days, and was at my lowest weight at the beginning of the week.

My exercise goal was 250 minutes and I only made it to about 190 because I just stopped. I sort of had a bit of a breakdown on Thursday night and I’m not sure exactly why. There are some external factors, a little bit of drama in my friends circle, but nothing that should have thrown me off like that.  Some of this stuff is too personal to go into on a public blog but I was in a pretty shitty place.

I had three entire bad days.

The scale rewarded me for it, too. I gained an entire six pounds. Six. In three days. I’m sure some of this is water weight. I know I can lose it again.

The amount of guilt and horribleness I felt yesterday is unparalleled to any other slip up I’ve had since I started this back in January. I can’t even describe how angry I was at myself. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so deeply ashamed over this.  I have not felt that bad in a LONG time. I was catastrophizing everything.

So today… I got a good night’s sleep for the first time in several days and I had a blueberry breakfast smoothie and I left. I drove to Devil’s Lake by myself and did a short hike. I needed some fresh air and perspective. Devil’s Lake is a really important place to me. I’ve had the best conversations of my life there. I even had my first kiss there, 12 years ago. I had the best day of my life there. And every time I’m there I feel a lot more peaceful.

I did a lot of thinking about weight loss and happiness and friends today. I reached a few conclusions. Weight loss isn’t hard. It just takes dedication and commitment. A lot of both of those things, really. I started thinking about how badly I want this. Because I do think that I, as an able-bodied person without injuries or major health issues, am very able to lose weight and be healthy. VERY able. But it all comes down to values. Every time that I screw up, or I decide not to work out because I have a headache or I’m tired or I decide something else is more important, that’s a choice. There are no external factors here. This is all me.  When I choose to eat something shitty or to not work out, I am deciding, at that moment, that I want that food or that extra time more than I want to lose weight.

I’m so done with victimization. I’m so, so, so sick of it. From myself, from other people.  I am done with it. I did a lot of blaming of other people the past few days, people from my past that I felt screwed me up, that I partially blamed for my weight, and it’s so clear to me that this has nothing to do with them. This is ALL about choices I’ve made. All of it. I’m sick of blaming a lack of time or fatigue or illness on choosing not to work out. I choose to make time or not make time. I choose to stick to my schedule regardless of other factors or not stick to my schedule because “something came up.” I’m sick of excuses. I am out of patience for them. I just need to DO IT. I am capable of putting in the effort; I’ve proven that to myself before. Many times, really. I’ve consistently, albeit very slowly, been losing weight for 9 months. I can do it.

Here’s my menu plan and exercise plan for the week.

SUNDAY
Garlic chicken with broccoli
Hike @ Devil's Lake - 60 minutes

MONDAY
Light baked potato soup and salad
Cardio Kickbox, 25 minutes

TUESDAY
Feta basil turkey burgers and green beans
Frontside, 43 mins

WEDNESDAY
Leftovers
Backside, 53 minutes

THURSDAY
Brown rice and beans
Cardio Blast, 35 minutes

FRIDAY
Party
Rest Day

SATURDAY
Decide next week
Step aerobics, 63 minutes

In which I am awesome.

I feel great tonight.

I had sort of a restless, irritating day. Not bad, just feeling a little edgy, normal Monday feelings after a really great weekend. I was happy that I finally had a scheduled rest day after 9 days of working out without one.

But then I got home and I was watching my guilty pleasure, old episodes of The Biggest Loser, and I've said this before, but it seems so hard to watch that show and not work out at the same time. Especially because I ate about 150 calories over my range tonight.

(Also, I'd like to quickly interject here and say that besides the basic ridiculousness of the concept of The Biggest Loser, WHAT IS WITH THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT?! It reminds me of The Truman Show when they are so unbelievably blatant and ridiculous with products. Like it's an on-purpose joke. All the unhealthy crap they promote makes me really mad. But, whatever.)

Anyway, I know that if I felt like I really, truly needed it, or if I was really sore, then I would've taken my rest day. But I was feeling restless, so I decided to do a short but intense workout - my cardio kickboxing, which I haven't done in a while.

So I did that, and then felt like I could easily do more. So I did some basic stretching, some arm exercises with my resistance bands, 100 regular crunches and 100 bicycle crunches.

Not only did I hit a new low weight today (just .2 pounds down from yesterday, but I'll take it!) but I've reached almost 500 fitness minutes for the month already. I'm not planning on keeping that up, because I would no doubt burn myself out, but I just think that if I DID somehow keep that up, I could hit 1500 minutes in the month... which would be an average of a 50 minute workout EVERY DAY of the month. Part of me wonders if I could do that, if I incorporated less-intense workouts (walks) or longer medium-intensity workouts (hiking uphill). I'll see what the weather does, because often if I go to Devil's Lake or something I can easily hike for a couple hours and get in quite a few minutes. I'm going to stick to my goal of 1,000 minutes, though, because I don't think I've ever reached that before.

I also just sort of suddenly started seeing a difference in my arms and back. I don't know if it's just because I've been staring at my body a lot recently trying to find changes, but I definitely have more definition in my upper arms and, wow, I sort of have shoulder blades again!

Anyhow, time for bed. I always just like sharing when I'm in a good mood.

September 9th

I wrote the majority of this blog post yesterday, and part of the post was that yesterday, I weighed in at the exact same weight I did the prior week. And I'd written that I was sort of okay with that because it was really the lowest weight I'd reached and maintained, and I was okay with maintaining.

Well, when I got up this morning I was just sort of having a "skinny day" where I didn't feel bloated (it's that time of the month, so that's sort of rare), and I weighed in for my official weigh-in, and… BOOYAH. I was shocked. I lost three pounds!!! I haven't lost that much in one week since the first couple months I started doing this!  I am SO EXCITED about this. I am now down 38.2 pounds - I'm close to that 40 pound mark!

As planned, I really pushed myself this week. I put a stronger focus on strength, and completed four circuit training workouts as part of my fitness minutes. My goal was to complete 250 fitness minutes, and… I did 333. I'm very happy with that! And I have almost 400 for the month so far, so I'm well on my way to reaching 1,000 for the month. I have worked out every day this month, and nothing wimpy, either. I mentioned that if I didn't feel like doing a hard workout that I'd just go for a walk, but I'm happy to say I didn't do that. I worked out HARD. In my circuit training I have been using heavier weights and doing quick sprints in between circuits, and I've been doing the advanced versions of all the moves. Yesterday, I did my 3.6 mile loop and it was a lot easier than last week but still hard. I shaved 3 minutes off of the loop, though. Not much, but I'll take it.

However, I didn't really meet my food goals. I think I really only stayed within my range 2 or 3 of the 7 days. But I didn't really overeat, either - no binges or anything like that, I just ate extra when I was hungry, maybe 200 extra calories. And mostly healthy food, too. I don't really count that as not meeting my goal, because of all the extra time I put into working out. I am wondering if I should adjust my calorie range again, but as I haven't been losing as much weight as I'd like, I should probably continue to try to stick to what I have already.

Let's see, other goals… I've been much better with water intake, reaching at least 64 oz each day. No alcohol. Flossed every day. So, not really shabby on anything else I set out to do this week. I did guided meditation once, but I just don't think I'm the meditating type. I try, but I just cannot focus.

As proud of myself as I was for hitting 333 fitness minutes this week, I don't think it's sustainable for me at this point. I WOULD like to hit 250, though. I think I can do that. I had an advantage this week because I didn't have to work on Monday because of Labor Day,  so I had time to work out. I usually work until 7:30 on Mondays and so I use it as a rest day. I used to schedule myself for a workout but I never once got up early enough to do it (I go in late to work on Monday since I stay late) and so I've just accepted that I am NOT a morning-workout person. Which is fine, if I find time to do it later.

My menu plan looks a little thin and boring this week, but I have some leftovers from tonight and I'm really trying to reduce my food waste… it's hard cooking for one.

I may replace one or more of these workouts with a run now that the weather is getting so much nicer. I think part of the reason my loop felt so much easier yesterday was because it was chilly out - right around 60 degrees. I can't wear shoe at the moment because I have some VICIOUS blisters on both my feet from yesterday (my shoes have blood all over the backs, which is not appealing…)

SUNDAY
Asian Noodle and Vegetable Salad
Step Aerobics, 63 minutes

MONDAY
Leftovers
Rest Day

TUESDAY
Ranch chicken tacos with lettuce and tomato
Frontside circuit training, 43 minutes

WEDNESDAY
Leftovers
Backside circuit training, 53 minutes

THURSDAY
Beans and brown rice
Cardio Blast, 35 minutes

FRIDAY
Leftovers
Frontside circuit training, 43 minutes (and if I'm feeling SUPER ambitious, throw in 25 minutes of cardio kickboxing… but I probably won't!)

SATURDAY
Decide next week
Backside circuit training, 53 minutes

I'm off to Trader Joe's to pick up a few things, then it's time for step aerobics!

Quick late-night update

I'm in love with September already.

I just wrote yesterday and don't have a whole lot to say today, but I like to share when I'm feeling good and looking forward to things, because I can look back when I feel like shit and realize that I'm capable of being positive, proactive, and happy.

I had a fantastic breakfast that I highly recommend now that I've tried it - half a cup of frozen blueberries, half of a banana (frozen is recommended but I used room temp and it was fine), a tablespoon of white chia seeds, 2 tablespoons of hemp protein powder, and a cup of vanilla almond milk. It was fantastic (and a gorgeous purple color!) and I think I will put together some little "smoothie packs" for the freezer so I can just throw them in the blender in the morning, add the almond milk and then be good to go. I did this for a little while with mixed frozen fruit for my green smoothies and it worked great, I didn't have to weigh out all my ingredients every morning.

I also picked up a giant unsweetened iced coffee from Starbucks and then spent much of the early afternoon helping my mom clear out her basement. I'd originally intended to go to Devil's Lake today, but got sucked into that instead. A lot of the junk down there is mine, and hopefully I burned a lot of calories taking bag after bag of junk upstairs and out to the curb.

My mom was nice enough to take me to a Thai place for lunch. I tried to be careful, but I'm having an impossible time trying to google an estimation for calories. I had tofu and lots of veggies in a "light brown sauce". I'm skipping dinner (this lunch was actually at like 3 pm, so it was sort of a combination) because I'm sure it had 1,000 or more calories in it, but I should still be in my range for the day. I tracked as best as I could.

I then had a really hard workout. The hardest I've done in a while, mainly because my feet were bleeding from blisters and it was really humid out. Did 3.6 miles of jogging (well, I walked on the uphill portions) and burned 575 calories. Not shabby. I felt pretty awful afterwards, though, I'm still sort of recovering. I always forget how hard that loop is because it's mainly just hills.

I'm getting excited for fall and pumpkin spice lattes and buying pumpkins for the patio and cooler weather and long sleeves. I hate winter, but fall is fantastic.

Oh, and I should mention that I'm back down to (a fully hydrated) 35.4 lbs lost, which is nice.

I'm going to have a small snack and then rest a bit. Tomorrow I'm going to a park with my friend and hopefully will get a bit of walking in along with the circuit training I have planned. If I stick with my workout plan for the week I may even reach 300 minutes this week. Gotta keep this going.

September!

Well, I'm back, and feeling good.

I had a pretty crappy week. In addition to being sick and not working out ALL week, and dealing with a heavy workload after missing so much work (which luckily turned out to be totally doable, but I was stressed for a bit there), I had a lot on my mind. Things are better now. I had a weird week with eating/not eating; although I was feeling better, I still had no appetite and every single thing I could think to eat disgusted me. But I still feel like I went over my calories, but I wasn't tracking and I didn't work out at all. Yesterday was the first day that I was feeling sort of normal and today I feel a lot better.

I didn't gain a lot of weight, luckily. I'd reached the 36 lb mark when I was sick and now I'm back up to the 33.6 lbs lost mark. Disappointing, but after a week without working out, I couldn't expect too differently.

I have big plans for September. Moreso than I think I've ever had. I'm going big this month. I do so well when I stick to the plan and then I feel so good and I do something to derail it and then I feel AWFUL. So, go big or go home, I guess.

I'm upping my minimum weekly fitness minutes to 250. I want to reach 1,000 in September. If I don't feel like working out, then I think I'll go for a walk. I don't usually do low-key exercise, and I should. If I'm not working in zone 3 of my heart rate monitor, I don't even feel like it's a workout. But that means that on my rest days I don't do anything - no walking, nothing. I'm also doing more strength training; I know that you're supposed to do at least 2 sessions a week. I've been doing 2 sessions but not the same muscles so I'm doing the frontside and backside, each twice a week. I'm going to do this only for the first week to see if it's doable. I don't see why it wouldn't be.

Secondly, my cholesterol is just over the normal range. I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do eat a lot of animal products - eggs and cheese mainly. When I've been not feeling great this past week, for some reason the idea of eggs disgusted me, and I haven't been eating them for breakfast as usual. I used to have an egg every single day. I need to find alternative breakfasts.

So at the store today I got some fruit, cottage cheese, yogurt (I don't normally eat it because of the fake sugar in it and all the preservatives and crap, but I got a good greek yogurt with blueberries and no artificial sweeteners) and some good smoothie ingredients. I love making green smoothies but they don't keep me full for long because all I put in them are greens, fruit and fruit juice. I found a recipe for a blueberry breakfast smoothie and picked up some almond milk, white chia seeds and hemp protein powder. I'm excited to try it once my bananas ripen. I will probably still have an egg a couple times a week because it's a great source of protein and vitamins, but I don't need to have one every day.

Other goals for September:

-- Stay within my calorie range 6 out of 7 days each week

-- Track every bite of food - no estimating at the end of the evening

-- Zero alcohol, with the exception of two birthday celebrations I'm planning

-- Exercise 1,000 minutes in September, or an average of 250 minutes/wk. Also, on a related note, do at least 10 minutes of fitness a day (even on rest days.) This can be a quick jog around the block or a segment from a workout DVD.

-- Floss every day!

-- Do something good for my well-being each day (guided meditations online, yoga, something creative like poetry or painting, or simply watching something inspiring like slam poetry)

-- Focus more on water consumption - and get at least 64 oz/day.

I spent a lot of money at the grocery store today, but it was on good stuff that should last, so I'm pretty excited about it. I had a good long chat with my friend from out of town who is coming to visit me for the first time in a long time next weekend, and I did my step aerobics today and burned 533 calories according to my HRM. It was HARD today, I can always tell when I've gone a few days without working out because my endurance tanks. I made a delicious dinner of Thai Chicken Salad Wraps. I don't share a lot of recipes on this blog, but this one is so good and SO easy that I feel like I should. I managed to finally find some good spinach tortillas without hydrogenated oils and I love these damn things. The recipe is here.  I added chopped bell pepper too and some crunchy chow mein noodles.

SUNDAY
Leftovers (Thai chicken salad wraps)
Hike @ Devil's Lake (or if I end up not going, a walk/jog here)

MONDAY
Vegan coconut curry soup
Frontside circuit training, 43 minutes

TUESDAY
Seed-coated chicken with broccoli
Backside circuit training, 53 minutes

WEDNESDAY
Leftovers
Spark Cardio Blast, 35 minutes

THURSDAY
Wild rice casserole
Frontside circuit training, 43 minutes

FRIDAY
Leftovers
Backside circuit training, 53 minutes

SATURDAY
Decide next week
Step aerobics, 63 minutes